Future Caliber

Upon hearing my name, the locals had almost universally advised me to visit the Sword in the Stone. “Who knows?” they had chuckled into their pint glasses and teacups, “You might be worthy!”

And so I stood alone in an ill-kempt Church graveyard. With neither a line nor a crowd, I approached the anvil, shrugged my shoulders, and gave a tug.

At first, there was no motion. Then, I felt the sword budge, and my perception was filled with a clash of steel striking steel.

I replayed the moment in my head. I could have sworn I had heard a voice scream “No.”

I took a deep breath, reset my feet, and tried again.

In a flash, I was given a vision of the Sword’s life. Forged in the fiery breath of a triumphant lizard; carried into battle by King Uther Pendragon; witnessing acts of courage and cowardice; cruelty and compassion; wisdom and folly. It had pierced the hearts and souls of countless men and now rested here waiting for its rightful inheritor.

The Sword was speaking to me. I brought myself back to the present and tried to listen.

“No, Arthur,” the sword rang out. “You are not worthy.”

I saw generations of men approach the anvil and grasp the handle only to slink back in fear, blinking back tears. I knew in my heart that the Sword could have changed them. It had the power to make anyone worthy. A lonely tourist in a distant land, I briefly had a chance to become the main character. Feeling the chance slip away, I pleaded with the Sword. “But I wish to be worthy!”

“The change would be too large. I would sever the chain of consciousness. You would die, and a new king would stand where you stood. I don’t have the right to kill.”

The intellectualism of the response gave me pause. I retreated into detached cynicism. “The Sword Excalibur doesn’t have the right to kill?”

“I am to be wielded by the Worthy. I am an instrument of his judgment. It is not for me to cut consciousness to summon a successor.”

“What if you were to slowly change me? Leave my consciousness intact but…” I felt myself running out of steam “replaced the less worthy bits with worthier bits?”

“You are young,” the Sword replied. “Perhaps you could sufficiently change yourself.”

Stunned that anything had worked, I listened with renewed hope.

“First, more of your calories should come from vegetables. You eat with the audacity of a Lord who will never again see combat.”

“Oh.”

“Second, you must quit video games and go to bed earlier.”

“Uhh…”

“Third, you should start each day with at least ten minutes of direct sunlight exposure. This will synchronize your circadian rhythm and hormonal cycles.”

“I’m actually from a part of the world with high humidity, so I usually don’t go outside —”

“Fourth! You think yourself a sophisticated person for not watching television, but your reliance on social media is far more damaging. If you were the only person who used your phone as often as you do, others would think you are completely debilitated.”

I let go of the sword. I was not worthy.